My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
handjob tips. give me some.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
