I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
