You just made me feel so damn special
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
