So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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