I got chris browned last night
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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