Sry I called you an 8
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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