How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
