I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
