Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
