Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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