he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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