Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
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Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize