If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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