She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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