I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
