dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
