I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
