he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
