Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
How many fucks given?
0.12846
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
