you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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