I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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