if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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