Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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