seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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