just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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