and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
