So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
