i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
