I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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