Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
