she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
