So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
