my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
