if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
