mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
