My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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