I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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