Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
