they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
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Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
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Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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