Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
