Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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