mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
