Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
