I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
