Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
