at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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