So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize