Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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