ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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