I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I woke up under a house in Key West
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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