his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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