the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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