I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize