I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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