I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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