I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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