Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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