We named our party play list daddy issues
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
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I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
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I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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