Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
