nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
